I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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