Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
