My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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