Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
