time to smoke my breakfast
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Randomize
