i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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