She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
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