the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
