Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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