He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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