It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize