I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Randomize
