I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
