I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
