I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
