I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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