I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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