Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
