We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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