I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
