Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
