He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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