had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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