census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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