What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
