i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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