R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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