Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
