He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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