If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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