i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Alive.
So much puke
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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