YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
