i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
