there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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