thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
