the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
