Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
