I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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