if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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