This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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