Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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