If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
