How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
