take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
