What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
smell my finger.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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