Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
