You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
