i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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