I can feel you judging me through the phone.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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