i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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