I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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