i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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