help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
