I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
