I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
