Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
