You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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