i permit you to call me
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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