Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
