if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
