mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
