Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
