I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
